


transgenderism: the dark souls of gender

by MamaKat (K4KY01N)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dysphoria, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Multi, Trans Girl Terezi (mentioned), itll get gay later trust me, mention of self harm, slow burn but with being trans, transmasc roxy, who knows anymore, wtf do i even put in these things.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-06-23 22:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19710754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K4KY01N/pseuds/MamaKat
Summary: After being invited to a party by Roxy, John leaves his house for what feels like ages, and has a long thought about Gender.thanks to my friend rose for the title[REWRITE IN PROGRESS]





	1. Chapter 1

The air is crisp. It's strange how different the air feels every time John opens the window. Every day, every week, things have been relatively the same; he would get out of bed after the third or fourth try, get dressed (if you consider pajama bottoms and a baggy hoodie 'dressed', which the author firmly does not) and sit back down in his desk. Between those last two actions, though, he would look out his window, and open it up. Just enough so that there was a breeze coming through to cool down the room. His computer got very hot during his intense depression-fueled gaming sessions, so even on the hotter days on Earth C he would leave the window open, just to keep himself a few degrees cooler.

Things were always the same, except for that window. Apart from monthly trips to the grocery store, it was his only link to the outside world. He would feel the cold, hot, room-temperature air rush in through the crack like the wind was a friend waiting to embrace him. It felt a little nice to feel that rush of air every day; but of course the feeling would fade, and his loathing would settle back in around him, as if it were just specks of dust flicked up by the wind. 

Enough introspection. John sat down at his PC, and stared at the monitor. He reached up and wiggled the mouse a few times to wake it up. He didn't bother to turn it off last night-- he rarely actually turns off his computer, he just lets it run until it goes to sleep mode. He tells himself it helps him sleep, but it typically just gives him something to stare at until exhaustion forced him to finally shut his eyes. It was a little depressing, having it be the same thing. Typically he'd spend the day looking things up on google or browsing social media, but today he thought he would finally log into his old favorite MMO on Earth C. Some troll game company released it a few years back, and it ate up a lot of his time, distracting him from the cold mundanity of his routine. 

It's strange. He'd thought he'd had enough of games after he won the game. _The_ game. Sburb, if you weren't aware, and if you weren't, you have 10 years of comic to read up on. Point is, he'd beaten it, and took about a year or two break off gaming entirely, before the boredom became unbearable and he signed up for this one. When he signed in, he stared at his character, masculine and powerful. It was like a safety blanket, knowing that his soft, pudgy body was disguised behind this virtual muscle suit-

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 

TG: ayye john  
TG: i know u up  
TG: u have pesterchum connected w ur dumb mmo are pea jee

Great. Roxy. No, you don't mean that, you love Roxy. He's a great guy, er.. person? He's cool, is the point. You just aren't really in the mood to chat with someone. You start to type a message, but your hands stop, giving up, and you tab back into your game.

TG: a HA  
TG: i knew it  
TG: u cant fool me egbert i got the eyes like a hawk  
TG: a sexy transmasculine hawk

Okay, you kinda laugh at that. Your mind naturally drifts to the image of an anthropomorphic hawk sporting a binder and Roxy's now-signature heart-shaped glasses.

EB: okay, you got me.  
EB: im kinda busy here!  
TG: playing video games  
TG: definition of bussy  
TG: busy  
TG: no, bussy  
EB: har har, roxy.  
EB: did you need something?   
TG: nah not rly  
TG: just wanted to invite u to my cool party happening tonite  
TG: gonna be lit  
EB: i bet it will.  
EB: i dunno, though.  
EB: you know parties aren't my thing.  
TG: i kno but  
TG: this one is important   
TG: i invited EVERYONE  
EB: everyone?  
TG: yeah  
TG: like mf smash brothers in here  
TG: we even got sonic  
TG: well ok we dont have sonic  
TG: but if u show up we will have the cool blue fast guy that everyone loves  
EB: am i really the sonic of the group?  
TG: yes  
TG: u are the sonic of the group  
TG: dave is knuckles  
TG: im that sexy one from the bad one  
EB: you just gave the vaguest description of any sonic character ever.  
TG: uhhh  
TG: idfk his name  
TG: the one that looks like a pile of pine needles spray-painted gray  
TG: memphis tenessee  
EB: you mean mephiles?  
TG: YES  
TG: thank u john  
TG: see you at the party its at my place byeee  
tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering ectoBiologist 

Did you just get tricked into going to a party?

You sigh. You guess you have to go, now. Well, you don't, but you'd feel really shitty letting down Roxy like that. You feel like you owe him a lot. Not because he did much of anything, but him coming out, while brave in itself and worthy of respect (you say that because you are a good ally, john egbert said trans rights), got you thinking about yourself. To be fair, that is the exact opposite of what most people do when someone comes out. They typically think of the person coming out, not themselves, aside from how they can accommodate them in their space. But it got you thinking about yourself in a new light. Like, what if YOU were trans? Not transmasculine, obviously, that's dangerously redundant, but the.. opposite way. Trans..feminine? That sounds right. You think you heard that coming out of Rose's mouth once during her many lectures over the phone. You suppose you owed it to her to learn something, considering you avoided her calls for a long time there.

But then you discard the thought. If you were trans, you'd know, right? Most trans people you know talk about that defining moment where they say they "always knew" or whatever. But you don't know. That's why you're speculating. You just think it'd be pretty cool to be a girl sometimes. Because they're pretty and you like looking at them. 

You stare at the screen. You minimize the pesterchum screen and stare back at your game. You look at your character's muscles, and his wide silhouette. It makes you feel almost self conscious about your own. Are your shoulders too wide? They must be, it makes you feel like such a brick wall, impassable. You look down and prod your stomach a few times. Soft, pudgy, kinda makes you feel like the pillsbury dough boy. Something about that makes your stomach twist. 

You turn to look at the closet, gone mostly unused for it's primary purpose, hanging clothes, and then downward at the floor in front of it. The small enclave in the wall is perfect for piling clothes on the floor. You've collected such a menagerie of sweatpants that they've become a thick layer in your closet. You're a little ashamed to say that you've slept on it on the occasion where you were tired of sleeping in your bed. It was just foreign enough to be suitable. 

Your eyes then turn to the garbage bag full of clothes that served as your pillow on those nights. You remember the day Roxy dropped by to leave these. You remember him saying he'd be back one day for them when he had a nice bonfire going that needed fuel, and you, naturally, went

John: oh, no rush!

like a jackass. So all of his old clothes that he no longer felt secure in wearing anymore with his newfound masculine identity would stay in your closet for a while. You stare at the bag for a long time, then glance back at your computer. You close the game, deciding against wasting your day for once in your life, and get out of your chair. Your curiosity is too potent for you to stay seated. You sit down on the makeshift mattress sat nicely in your closet, and undo the tight knot on top of the bag. This way, you'll be able to re-tie it and nobody will be any wiser.

  
  


It's weird how you found something in your size. You stare at the mirror, the white straps of the tank-top accentuate your shoulders a bit too much, but it's nothing you can't deal with. You sling your zip-up hoodie over your shoulders, and look into the mirror again. It's weird. Not bad weird, but in a "I never considered this viewpoint before" way weird. Your finger finds itself tracing the outline of Roxy's signature cat-design, poking at the four eyes of the cartoonish symbol.

John: heheheh.. 

John: heheheh!  


You aren't entire sure why, but you start laughing. You start laughing at yourself in the mirror. You look like such an idiot! It was worth a shot, trying to reach out to explore your identity like everyone around you has, but this isn't you. Obviously not. This isn't a big deal. Maybe you're just a guy that tries not to think too hard about his gender! You zip up your hoodie, just enough so that the symbol is covered by the blue fabric of your jacket. This will do, you suppose, considering you haven't done laundry in about two months, and you aren't really keen to right now. It's not weird, right? You can always just say you didn't realize if they find out. Not that they will, because your hoodie is on.

Good Boy. Best Plan.

  


Your phone buzzes. 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] TG: are you coming to the party  
EB: dude, of course!  
EB: it sounds fun.  
TG: thats a surprise  
TG: i expected you to give some weird dodgy reply  
TG: that basically amounts to "im too sad to go"  
EB: dude, harsh.  
EB: i've just been sad lately, is that a problem?  
TG: no  
TG: im just saying im surprised  
TG: im glad youre going actually   
TG: its been a while since we had some bro time  
TG: i almost questioned our status as bros for life  
EB: aren't you, like, married?  
EB: doesn't karkat take my role as bro for life?  
TG: yeah but im cheating on him with you  
TG: dont tell him  
TG: or you  
TG: i have a side bro  
TG: a brostress  
TG: a  
TG: look im busy so i cant do all the bro-platitudes  
EB: brotitudes?  
TG: absolutely not  
TG: point is im glad youre coming  
TG: also i was joking when i said i was married   
TG: you wouldve at least gotten an invitation  
TG: if not me breaking down your door to tell you to help me practice my marriage vow rap  
EB: dude im telling you now i'd never help you with that.  
TG: harsh  
TG: you wouldnt help a man before his big day  
TG: start the sickest matrimonial fires ever  
EB: didn't you say you were busy?  
TG: yeah sorry  
TG: i got distracted by the thought of marrying karkat  
EB: i know you're gay but that's a pretty gay thing to say.  
TG: i know ill try to snap out of it sooner  
TG: point is ill see you at the party  
TG: bye  
EB: see you, i guess.  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

You look up at your mirror for what feels like a minute, and get the strange sense that you've gotten nothing done in the past half hour, aside from wear your former love interest's tank top and get ranted at by two of the four living Strilondes. You wouldn't say your favorite two, but only because you haven't thought about it that much. You think Rose would qualify as your favorite, solely because she has seniority over everyone else. You dismiss the thought. This is no time to get distracted by playing favorites! You need to get pants on, then waste time until the party starts. WITHOUT getting on your computer. You've known yourself well enough to know that if you got on there you would end up making an excuse as to why you couldn't go. It feels like for the first time in forever, you're going to head outside of your own volition.

  
  


Today is going to be a long day. 


	2. Chapter 2

This sucks.

  
  


You haven't left your house in what feels like months for more than an hour or two to get groceries, and now that you're actually willing to go outside, it's cold as hell and nobody's outside. You were actually hyping yourself to get out and about too; thinking "oh what if you run into one of your friends on a date and you all chat for a bit" or "oh, what if someone says they're your biggest fan and ask for an autograph?" Not like either of those were especially common things to occur, Dirk was the only one that ever got 'hassled' for autographs. You guess Jake has given out autographs too, but people appreciate him more for his shapely ass, and you can't get the autograph of an ass.

You pause to muse on the fact that you just called your ecto-grandpa's ass "shapely," before you discard the thought entirely. Gross.

Point is, today sucks, and it's making you reconsider going to the party at all. You could definitely use the weather to justify not making the trip. But you already said you'd go to both Dave AND Roxy.. Nope. You feel like you're required to go now, regardless of the shit weather. Which sucks, but that's what you get for talking to people. The sacrifices you make to keep people as your friends.

You could always go grocery shopping again. Not for anything big, you don't want to head back home considering you might end up laying on the couch and sleeping for 30 hours. You know yourself too well, and that sucks. You mean you could go shopping for a few things that Roxy might need for his party. You stare at your PDA; it's not the exact same PDA as when you started your playing, that's obvious, but it's a pretty similar copy that you alchemized a while back. It's still functional, these things definitely served function over form.

You're going to text Roxy again.

ectoBiologist began pestering tipsyGnostalgic  
EB: hey, do you need anything from the store?  
EB: i'm out and about for the time being, and i thought i'd check in.  
TG: oh uh  
TG: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
TG: uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmm  
EB: did you leave voice recognition on again, or are you typing this in while you think?  
TG: im typing it, now sh egbert im thinking  
EB: sorry!  
TG: *more forcefully UMMMMMMMMs.*  
TG: yeah actually  
TG: you know i dont trust myself with buying booze but i feel weird puttin up a BYOB thing on the invites  
TG: could you pick something up for other ppl at the party  
EB: anything i should avoid, so as to not tempt you too bad?  
TG: just get somethin cheap n shitty  
EB: whats with you and being really vague with your descriptions?  
EB: all alcohol sucks, roxy.  
EB: except, like, frozen margaritas.  
EB: and even those are made worse with booze.  
TG: we should make frozen virgin maragirtas sometime  
TG: margaritas  
EB: maragirtas   
TG: dont test me eg boy  
EB: sorry! sorry.   
EB: ill pick up something shitty and bring it with me when i come.  
EB: if i dont show up feel free to guilt trip me a whole bunch.  
TG: u know i could never do that  
TG: ur like the one boy i actually like  
EB: i appreciate the lofty title.  
EB: of "the one boy roxy actually likes."  
EB: does that include yourself?  
TG: john  
TG: u kno it does not  
TG: plus i dont think i even qualify as a boy  
TG: just a super masc enby  
EB: enby?  
TG: nonbinary, fuckass  


You smirk. The term 'fuckass' has become something of a meme in recent years. You weren't there for it's creation, but after a bit of elaboration from friends you gathered it was after a very intense night of karaoke that Karkat actually lost his voice, and people shared the role of 'resident shout-mouth,' and "fuckass" became the word of the day.

EB: i see!  
EB: enby is a cute way of saying that.  
TG: ok if that was all i need to get back to things  
EB: things?  
TG: things  
EB: enjoy things, then!  
EB: see you at, like, 6?  


Aaaaand he's gone. Whatever 'things' is, it must have him pretty busy. At least you know what you should spend your time getting. Granted, it's around 3:30 PM, and you're supposed to be there at 6, though you guess he wouldn't mind if you were a few minutes early, so you have around 2 hours and 15 minutes to walk around the grocery store, looking at all manner of cheap alcohols. You do all sorts of calculations in your head on the amount of time you could reasonably spend in the bodega down the street before people starting making weird looks at you.

  
  


The answer, apparently, is one hour and 45 minutes. After that point enough people were looking at you staring at the same pack of cheap, generic-brand beer that you felt way too uncomfortable to stay any longer. Not that you're the one that should feel uncomfortable in that situation, you're a bit of a creep for sitting there for ages. You take two boxes, and hold them under your arms. Thankfully, you're a god, so this isn't much to you. Your 13 year old self, however, would hardly be able to hold the single box. Not that you were ever in a situation where you'd need to hold alcohol. Your dad was never the drinking type. He just made cakes and watched circus shows with you. You remember watching CIRCQUE NOIR with him. It was a weird crime show about mimes and clowns or whatever, except some of them would just die randomly and the ringmaster would eat their corpses. It was fucked up. Apparently it was based on a comic of some kind. Not that you really remember any of it. You bet it was FOX that picked it up. 

Fox ruins fucking everything. 

Oh, you're here. You look up at the tall skyscraper, and sigh. You think it a little strange that Roxy, out of all things he could've done, picked an apartment with Calliope over anything else. You walk up the steps and look at the intercom, scanning the nameplates until you see Roxy Lalonde. You raise a finger and press the button, holding it down to lean into the speaker.

JOHN: uh, roxy?

JOHN: i'm here!

JOHN: sorry if im a little early!

There's a bit of silence, and you wonder if you pressed the right button, until the speaker returns with Roxy's voice. Thank god. 

ROXY: john!  
ROXY: come in dummy ur right on time  


There's a buzz, and the door unlocks. You head inside into the elevator, and press Roxy's nameplate again. The elevator shudders and groans, filling you with the exact opposite of confidence that you aren't going to die in an elevator one day, and fills you with the thought that Roxy, somehow, will be responsible for your death. You shudder, and sigh in relief as the elevator stops at Roxy's room, cracking back open to reveal an apartment that looks way more fancy and modern than the building it's inside.

You examine the walls, various shades of gray giving the furniture in the room a more bold palette in comparison; you look at the kitchen counter as you enter, decorated with all manner of snacks and appetizers.. You notice a serious scarcity of mozzarella sticks. They're there, but it seems someone's been snacking on them. It wasn't Calliope, you know that; they only eat meat and candy, as far as you know, and Roxy seems way too intense about this party to let such a scarcity go unnoticed. Someone else is here, s-

ROXY: john!  


You're tacklehugged by Mx. Lalonde himself, squeezing you tight. Has he gotten stronger since you last saw him? The popping in your neck seems to agree with you. You shake your head, and blink a few times until the blurriness goes away.

JOHN: hey roxy!  
JOHN: jeez, you look good!  
JOHN: anywhere i should put these?  


You lift the boxes of booze with both hands, and Roxy gestures to the part of the counter where most of the drinks are. After setting them down, you stare at Roxy, blinking a few times. He looks nice. He's sporting a casual baseball tee, with his new, updated logo on the front. His pants are pink, which is weird, but kinda cool actually. You think Rose would call it "eccentric," and you don't disagree. You sigh, and smile. You're smiling, actually, that's new. Well, not 'new,' but something you haven't done for extended periods of time in a while.

JOHN: so, uh..  
JOHN: where's everyone else at?  
ROXY: oh yeah  
ROXY: calliope is still getting ready in their room  
ROXY: karkat is in the bathroom 'fixing' his hair  
ROXY: and dave is smoking on the balcony  
JOHN: that gave me multiple questions.  
JOHN: first off, dave and karkat are here?  
JOHN: secondly, dave smokes now?  
ROXY: only sometimes  
ROXY: i think hes stressed about you  
ROXY: that things will be too weird, almost  
ROXY: thats why hes here early  
ROXY: he skipped the last few parties but  
ROXY: i think hes happy to see his best bro  


Roxy must have seen your brows furrow at you being called a bro. How long have they been doing that? How long have your eyebrows been scrunching up at the concept of you being a 'bro'? 

ROXY: want me to go get him  


You nod, and give a small smile. That explains why the platter of mozzarella sticks is lacking. You aren't sure why, but your brain calls back to the first time Dave took you out to eat on Earth C. You remember him calling mozzarella sticks "the only thing i am putting in my godly body for the rest of time," before annihilating the entire platter of them. You were almost kicked out of TGI Fridays for that.

You hear footsteps approaching, and you perk up, only to see Calliope in the hall, a soft smile on their skeleton face. They look good! They're sporting a casual, almost 'butch' look tonight, with a green blouse and darker-green slacks, with their signature pin on the cuffs. Is it problematic to call someone 'butch' when they're nonbinary? It's not problematic if you're just thinking it, right?

JOHN: hey, calliope!  
JOHN: you look nice.  
CALLIOPE: oh, thank yoU, john.  
CALLIOPE: roxy sent me oUt to tell yoU he's chatting with dave at the moment, and will be a bit.  
JOHN: no prob, bob.  
JOHN: that's what you're wearing to the party, im assuming?  
CALLIOPE: indeed! i think it is classy party attire. do yoU like it?  
JOHN: dude, yeah! you definitely look like you run things here.  


Calliope smiles, and offers you a seat in the living room. The couch is a sunken recess in the floor, with a larger coffee table drilled into the ground. It's extremely comfortable. You think you might chat here for a bit with them until the party really starts. 

  
\--------------------------------------------  
DAVE: did he look off to you  
ROXY: i still dont know what ur talking about  
ROXY: he looked like john  
DAVE: i mean yeah but did he seem off  
ROXY: goddamnit dave no  
ROXY: can you tell me wtf you mean by that or is that more secret strider machinations that nobody is allowed to kno about  
DAVE: he seemed way worse than when we last talked  
DAVE: do you remember when i was first realizing i was into dudes  
DAVE: and how secretive and shit i got  
ROXY: are u saying u think john is gay  
DAVE: im saying he might be trying to work shit out  
DAVE: so i dunno  
DAVE: be the big queer here and give him a supportive ear  
ROXY: wow big man dave bustin out the casual slurs  
ROXY: why do i have to be the big hairy daddy figure here  
DAVE: because youre more masculine than i am  
ROXY: dave i am wearing all pink  
DAVE: yeah im just dodging responsibility im 100% testosterone  
DAVE: i dunno just  
DAVE: we'll both try to coax it out of him tonight okay  
DAVE: i dont want him to think we arent supportive or anything  
ROXY: look at u  
ROXY: emotional baby over here  
DAVE: nevermind im never showing emotion again  
ROXY: noooooooo!  
  
\------------------  
JOHN: i just hope they aren't mad at me, you know?  
CALLIOPE: dear, im positive they coUld never be mad at yoU for something like that.  
CALLIOPE: dave is one of the sweetest boys aroUnd, he coUldnt hold a grUdge for something so petty.  
JOHN: haha, yeah, i guess he is a bit of a sweetheart.  
JOHN: i think i just worry too much.  
JOHN: its been years since i went to one of these.. 'functions,'  
JOHN: and i feel like im gonna mess it all up.  
CALLIOPE: if it makes yoU feel better, im almost positive roxy only invited people we all know.  
JOHN: i guess.  


Calliope gives you a look. They must have noticed the look of concern brazenly placed across your face. Truth is, you're terrified at the prospect of suddenly being thrust back into being friends with everyone. Not that you stopped, you would never consider yourself 'not friends' with any of them, but.. it's different, talking to them, seeing their face, seeing their smile when they see you. You feel.. It's a complicated feeling, one that you could describe for hours on end, taking up pages and pages of text, without reaching any sort of conclusion. But boiled down to a single sentence?  
JOHN: i feel like i dont deserve any of this.  
JOHN: i feel like a liar, and i feel like im not meant to be a pers-  
DAVE: am i interrupting 

You jolt up, and cock your head to the left, staring Dave Strider in the eyes. Well. Sunglasses. But that's as close as most people ever get to seeing his eyes, yourself included. You smile, and get out of your seat. You gust yourself upward and over the couch with a bit of wind, and hold a hand outward towards Dave. You curl it into a fist. Do people still fist-bump?

You don't get a straight answer, because Dave foregoes the standard no-homo platitude of fist-bumping and wraps you in his arms in a tight hug. His lanky arms don't give as forceful as an embrace as Roxy's, but it's still enough to make you feel like you're being compressed pretty seriously. You stare off in the distance for a moment, before tentatively returning the hug, your arms wrapping around his back. 

DAVE: sorry john if this seems gay to the viewers  
JOHN: what? i.. no, man, this is cool. no worries.  


You feel guilty. How long has he wanted to hug you? How long has he been pushing back the need to hug his best bro for your own comfort? Instead of making you feel safe and warm, you just feel like an asshole. You don't feel like a best bro. You don't feel like a bro at all. You feel like a huge dick. So far, that's been the emotion that's stuck with you through this whole engagement. You take a sharp breath, and he pulls away, to your comfort. 

DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: just wanted to be like  
DAVE: spontaneous or whatever  
JOHN: no dude that's cool!  
JOHN: hugs are.. hugs are cool!  


Dave folds his arms over his shirt, obscuring the face of tim curry wearing sunglasses, leaving only the caption below his face saying "FART." Just.. just "fart." Is this what humor is now? You have to admit, it's a little funny, but not nearly enough to bring you out of your funk. It does bring a small smile to your face, though. 

DAVE: i noticed you've been playing a lot of  
DAVE: that one  
DAVE: mmo  
DAVE: hows that going, i thought you were done with games after we won  
JOHN: yeah, but there's only so many things to do to fill up your time, y'know?  
JOHN:  


There's an uncomfortable silence for a bit. You expect Roxy to burst in and call you an asshole, saying that you have dozens of friends who are always willing to talk to you and hang out and take up your time, to at least reduce some of the boredom that comes with your eternal godhood. You expect Dave to call you a dumbass and tell you how everyone was there for you and you all pushed them away. You expect Calliope to.. well, to sit there, honestly, you don't expect them to do much of anything. Callie is pretty passive.

JOHN: look, i know i--  
DAVE: look dont worry about it  
DAVE: have you been okay  
DAVE: if you want to talk about things im here  
DAVE: if you need professional help i can recommend you my therapist or something  
JOHN: you go to therapy?  
DAVE: with a hypothetical eternity in front of me i have lots of time to talk about my problems  
DAVE: i think youre one of the few people who doesnt go to therapy  
JOHN: are you sure you're not just day-drinking with rose?  
DAVE: dude no  
DAVE: i have an actual therapist  
DAVE: the day drinking comes after  
JOHN: i see.  
DAVE: that was a joke i dont drink  
JOHN: i see!  


Another uncomfortable silence. You need to move things along. 

JOHN: point is  
JOHN: i don't think i need therapy.  
DAVE: john i am a firm believer that everyone needs therapy for something  
DAVE: but holy shit dude you need oodles of therapy  
DAVE: you need like 24/7 therapy to work out all the shit you got in your brain  
JOHN: mean, but i guess you've got a point.  
JOHN: i can't really stay in my house 24/7 and turn around and claim that i don't need therapy  
JOHN: but is this the best place to bring it up?  
JOHN: this is supposed to be a party.  
DAVE: i will admit its a little out of line for me to say you need therapy right at the dawn of a party  
DAVE: but its not like i had much of a choice  
DAVE: what with you-  
JOHN: avoiding your calls, yeah.  
JOHN: sorry.  
DAVE: look man just  
DAVE: talk to me sometime okay  
DAVE: oh hold up  


Dave glances at his phone. With his head craned downward you catch a glint of his crimson-red eyes. You wonder if that's one of the things Karkat and Dave bonded over. His red eyes. 

DAVE: im gonna buzz rose in  
DAVE: stay here  


You give a thumbs up, and Dave leaves the living room, heading to the front door and pressing a button. You hear the subtle clunking grow louder as the elevator rises. The doors open, and you hear Rose talking. Someone is with her. Kanaya, probably. Considering they're married. You still think thats nice. Kanaya looked really good in that dress. She should wear dresses more often. You're just thinking about Kanaya and Rose's wedding to avoid thinking about the verbal lashing Rose is gonna give you when she sees you. Don't think about it, don't think about it--

ROSE: John?  


You perk up, and see Rose inches away from you. When your eyes meet, she smiles, and she lifts a hand to cup your cheek.

ROSE: You look like shit.  


You don't know why, but that made you laugh. Genuinely laugh, like, cackling. You place a hand on your forehead and brush your hair back, unable to resist the feeling of it. Rose joins in too, her laugh as bold and as genuine as yours. 

JOHN: hah, sorry, i just..  
JOHN: i expected you to see me and then just start tearing into me for ignoring you, 's all.  
ROSE: Would it make the transition easier if I called you something along the lines of a "dumb cagey bastard?"  
JOHN: yeah, actually, tear into me, go for it.  
ROSE: Hmmm.  
ROSE: No, I don't think I will.  
ROSE: I think it's funnier if I let you squirm.  


You reply simply by smiling at her, taking air in and letting it out in a heavy breath.

JOHN: you look nice.  
JOHN: i feel like i've been saying that a lot lately.  
ROSE: Most appreciated. I wonder what kind of things Roxy has in store for us this time?  
JOHN: things?  
JOHN: you guys didn't start a cult in the few years i've been out of partying, did you?  
ROSE: How I wish I could say yes, just to see the look on your face.  
ROSE: No, Roxy just loves party games.  
ROSE: Last time it was the 'Reverse Confession Game,' where we would confess our darkest secrets with no context, and people would try to guess the context.  
ROSE: We learned Karkat has a signless-tattoo right below one of his grub scars.  
JOHN: holy shit.  
JOHN: i think ill opt out of those games, actually.  
ROSE: Not an option.  
ROSE: You definitely need to play. It'll keep you here longer.  


You roll your eyes.

JOHN: fiiiiiiiine.  
ROSE: Most appreciated.  
ROSE: I believe more people will be filing in soon. I saw Terezi pull her stuff out of a taxi while I was headed up.  
ROSE: Lucky you.  


You roll your eyes again, more forcefully this time. Terezi. You remember kissing her once at one of the few parties you went to before your massive depressive episode. You were very drunk, and would prefer to not remember that ever again. 

You shake your head, and shudder, and when you open your eyes again, Rose has started to help Kanaya bring in a few more classy-looking appetizers. You wish they brought more mozzarella sticks. You look to where Calliope was once sitting, and see they've started to dust off the tables and fix the couch cushions, making sure they're all perfectly clean for the guests. You're hungry. You slide over to the snack table and grab one of the few remaining mozzarella sticks, and take a bite. They're a bit cold, but you don't really mind. It's cheese and breading. You can't exactly be picky. You nurse on that single mozzarella stick for about 2 minutes. If anyone asked, you'd say that you would be savoring it, making up some bullshit about how well the cheese compliments the bread or whatever. You're a little thankful nobody ever questioned it, because that excuse is super bullshit, and you're trying not to dissociate at a party.

TEREZI: H3Y   
TEREZI: 3GB3RT   
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU GONN4 34T 4NY MORE MOZZ4R3LL4 ST1CKS   


You snap out of your trance, and shake your head wordlessly. Terezi.. looks nice. She's sporting the look she was wearing when you first met her, a simple looking black tank with the libra sigil on it, and black jeans. You wonder if it's the same outfit, but upon inspection, you realize it's probably freshly made-- it lacks any of the signature stains of her original outfit. Like the blood. 

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU OK4Y   
TEREZI: YOU LOOK LIK3 SHIT   
JOHN: i know.   
JOHN: rose said so too.   
TEREZI: J3SUS CHRIST JOHN   
TEREZI: DONT LOOK TOO 3XCIT3D TO S33 M3   
JOHN: sorry! sorry.   
JOHN: i've just been spacing out. kinda tired .  
TEREZI: WHY DID YOU COM3 IF YOUR3 TIR3D?   
JOHN: i dunno. i didnt want to let roxy down?   
JOHN: ive been thinking a lot about things.   
TEREZI: THINKING IS FOR DW33BS.   
JOHN: when have i been anything other than a dweeb?   
TEREZI: GOT M3 TH3R3.   


You look up, and see more and more people have steadily been filing in. You count about twenty people. You hope that's all that's coming, because if many more come you'll start to get uncomfortable. 

The joke is that you're already uncomfortable. 

JOHN: i uh.. i'm gonna get some air.   


You push past Terezi, and head out toward the balcony. It's a bit out of the way, but this way you won't be bothered. You sigh, and let your feet slip through the barred half-fence of the balcony, staring out into the slowly lighting skyline. You think you can see your house from here. You cross your arms and lean against the fence. You were never one for parties. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a serious formatting error that caused me to lose over 2000 words :o) so here's this


	3. Chapter 3

Heading out to the balcony was a good idea. If you had stayed in the heat of the party, you probably would've run out of energy and headed home way too soon. But for now, you can simply rest and take your time tempering yourself with the heat of the party. Every now and again someone cracks open the sliding glass door to speak to you, you'd reply a few short words, then they'd leave you be. Maybe you were staying out here a little too long, you've been out here almost an hour. You just aren't quite comfortable getting into the party quite yet. You're a smart guy. You're lying to yourself, and the longer you go without coming clean to your friends will mean the harder it will be when you finally crack. 

Wait, what?

That was a weird thought you just had. You clear your throat, and shake your head. You have no secrets. Nothing you need to confess to your friends, you don't need therapy, you're fine.

JOHN: i don't need therapy, i need for people to get off my ass...  
DAVE: i dunno man its kinda weird to talk to yourself  


What's with people coming out of nowhere lately? You jump, and turn to face him. 

DAVE: mind if i join you   
JOHN: not at all.   
JOHN: sorry i haven't joined the party.  


Dave sits down next to you, and slots his legs into the bars of the balcony fence next to yours. Your legs dangle off the end and you stare off into the lighting skyline. It's 7:23 PM, and the sun has just set. 

DAVE: dont worry about it   
DAVE: do you smoke  


You stare at his hand as it reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box of cigarettes. He lifts one out of the box, and places it in his lips, before holding the box out to you. His thumb tucks itself into the box and gently withdraws a cigarette, just enough to give you an easy grab-point. You stare at it for a moment, and sigh, before reaching out and pulling it from the box, placing it between your lips.

DAVE: need a light   


You nod, and he withdraws a lighter from his coat pocket. It's a firm brass zippo lighter, older than this planet, probably. He flicks the lid off and cracks the flint down a few times until the sparks catch. He holds it up to your cigarette, and you stare as the embers begin to glow. You take a long drag, then grab the filter with your fingers and pull it away from your mouth, blowing the smoke into the cold summer air. You sigh as it disappears. 

JOHN: dave, do you ever wanna be, like, not a guy?  
DAVE: absolutely not  
DAVE: being a guy is the best  
JOHN: oh.   


There's a small silence as you take another drag, and look away from Dave. 

DAVE: do you   
JOHN: i dunno, sometimes?   
JOHN: being a guy feels so constricting sometimes.   
JOHN: like. the clothes, the face, the weird rectangular body im stuck with..   
JOHN: it scares me.   
DAVE: i dont think theres anything wrong with being uncomfortable with your body  
DAVE: how long have you felt like this   
JOHN: i dunno. we've been so busy with SBURB that i dont think i ever recognized it?   
JOHN: after we beat the game, i started to get more self conscious.   
JOHN: i could've felt like this since we started and I wouldn't have known.   
DAVE: i remember talking about something similar with kanaya   
DAVE: during one of rose's "karkat therapy time" sessions   
DAVE: she was talking about her complicated view on troll gender or whatever   
JOHN: uh-huh.   
DAVE: apparently she agrees with the societal label placed on her as a woman  
DAVE: but also feels like she doesnt completely adhere to the binary definition   
JOHN: so, what, she's 'mostly girl, except kinda not?'  
DAVE: it sounded more like  None Gender With Left Girl to me  


That makes sense. Kanaya is a very girl-y person, naturally, but you get the inclination that things aren't as black and white in troll culture. You haven't exactly seen your fair share of troll genitalia, but you've read enough books to know that shit's weird. If you had to fill up a bucket every year with your reproductive fluid your genitals would probably be really weird, too. You toss away the thought and take a long drag, before blowing it out into the air. Dave gives you a skeptical look. 

DAVE: my first time smoking was way less chill than this  
DAVE: youve done this before   
JOHN: yeah, i..   


You give a noncommittal shrug. 

JOHN: we've been here for years now, i thought i might as well try it once or twice.  
DAVE: i dont do it much anymore   
JOHN: karkat get on your ass for coming back home smelling like nicotine?  
DAVE: not far off   
DAVE: rose kept asking me not to smoke in the house because it reminded her of her mom  
JOHN: oh.   
DAVE: so i dont do it as much anymore   
JOHN: only when you're stressed?  
DAVE: pretty much  


You become apprehensive. So he really was nervous about you. You tap the end of the cigarette and the ashes flutter off in the wind. Thanks, wind, you're a real bro. More of a bro than you are. More of a bro than you want to be, really. 

JOHN: im sorry i got you stressed out over me.  
DAVE: its   
DAVE: i was about to say its no problem but it kind of is   
DAVE: you were gone for a long time man  
DAVE: why show up now for a casual party   
DAVE: and why show up if youre just gonna hang out out here  
DAVE: i dont get you man  
JOHN: dave..   
DAVE: im sorry i just   
DAVE: a lot has happened and you werent there for it   
DAVE: i want you to be there for the stuff that comes next   
DAVE: i dont care if you go to therapy just talk to someone   
JOHN:  
JOHN: that was the second-most genuine i've ever seen you.   


Dave is quiet. He looks at you with an astonished expression, as if he was shocked, almost insulted that you'd consider this to be the second-most genuine he's ever been. Then his expression lightens, and he starts to laugh. It starts a small chuckle, then a bit louder, then to the point where he has to place his cigarette down next to him to keep it from burning him in his fit. You join in too; you can't blame yourself, his laughter is infectious. There's something beautiful about seeing your best friend of over ten years burst into laughter at something you said. It makes your heart warm a bit. 

You two finally cool down, and look at each other. You both have a faint smile, and tears streaking down your face. He leans in for another hug, wrapping you tightly in his arms. He slips his legs out of the balcony's fence to get on his knees and wrap you in a tight hug. You do the same, to the point where you're both on your knees, hugging the shit out of each other. It's kinda weird, but you don't think about that in the moment. Your arms are wrapped tightly around his torso, and.. your hands grip on the back of his shirt, gripping the fabric hard and pulling it from side to side to make sure he hasn't somehow slipped out of your grip. He's real, and you're real, you're supposed to be happy, you were just laughing, why is this coming up now?

DAVE: john  
DAVE: are you  


You give him a firm 'shush' and hold him tightly, to the point where his back pops a bit. You don't realize it in the moment, but you're crying. You're crying and shuddering and you're mumbling things under your breath. Dave pats you on the back, tracing small outlines along your back to soothe you. He doesn't say it now, but you'd realize later this is a tactic he uses to soothe Karkat during his anxiety-induced temper-tantrums. You'd feel special that he would do something for you, but right now you're feeling empty, crying out all of your emotions onto your best friend's black-felt suit jacket. You hiccup, and sniffle, and eventually, your crying slowly subsides, until nothing more than red streaks are going down your face. You don't know why, but you're sad. You don't pull away as you start to speak.

JOHN: dave..   
JOHN: i think i'm a girl.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was a little rushed, and very stream of consciousness, but it definitely parallels my own coming out in a sorta poetic way. ill revise this one day. maybe.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for slight self harm. 
> 
> I've also revised this chapter to have a bit better of an ending.

it wasn't really an instantaneous thing.  
but it wasn't really some drawn out 'i've always known' thing, either?  
i think that's what freaked me out the most.  
the thought that maybe i was just misconstruing all the signs, and that this was just some weird coping mechanism for..  
for..  
come on, rose, help me out here!  


You roll your hand in a circular motion, expecting Rose to fill in the gaps and tell you exactly what you need to hear, as if she would know it more than you would. You let your hands fall slack on your legs, and sigh. Your eyes follow the curves and curved lines the carpet has filled in. It's very pretty, with multiple mauve and dark, wine-red colors swirling around like Van Gogh's colostomy bag, if such a thought would ever be considered 'pretty.' It's been a few weeks since you dipped out at the party, and you finally reached out to Rose, Dave's aforementioned 'therapist,' to 'book an appointment.' If you had known Rose was Dave's therapist in the first place, you would've just gone for a feelings jam with her. Dumb. You look up at one Rose Lalonde, who lacks the look of concern you expected. In fact, she doesn't look concerned at all. She looks rather smug, as if she had just won a bet. 

JOHN: what?  
ROSE: Nothing.  


She rolls her eyes, and her smug smile fades into something more genuine; now more akin to holding back a laugh.

JOHN: come on, i'm kinda pouring my soul out to you here.  
JOHN: would it kill you to take this seriously?  
ROSE: Please, John.   
ROSE: This is a bit of a revelation, and you've spent the past 15 minutes monologuing to me.  
ROSE: Since we're obviously turning the tables, allow me to take your usual place and be quiet and dumbstruck for a few moments.  
ROSE: Something like..   
ROSE: jesus. that sure is a lot of stuff you just told me.  
JOHN: very funny.   
ROSE: I'm sorry. I don't mean to poke fun at such a monumental moment of opening up.  
ROSE: But while my therapy skills are honed to a knife's edge, I am still your friend.  
ROSE: You aren't some nameless client.  


You go quiet. Right. Of course. Rose's standard method of coping with big news is poking fun at it. You feel like a bit of an asshole for trying to object to that. Maybe this was all a mistake, maybe you're not even trans, maybe this is all a misunderstanding and you're so fucking _stupid_ for thinking that this could ever-

You pause. Your fingers, they've dug into your thigh again. You lift them up, and see that they barely started to break the skin when you realized. You wince at the sudden wash of minor pain, and look at Rose. Her smile is gone now, replaced with a grim look, one of abject horror and close to outright fear. Not of you, but of what you might do to yourself. She lifts herself out of her chair and sits down next to you, pushing you to the corner of the velvet-red fainting couch she purchased for occasions of fainting or occasional platonic therapy, or slightly less occasional romantic therapy.

At least, that's what you assume. You don't think Rose would have sex on a piece of furniture she bought expressly for therapy purposes.

ROSE: John.   
JOHN: rose.   
ROSE: Have you been hurting yourself like that often?  


As if she expected you to not have the answer immediately, she focuses on the skin on your thigh that had been torn away at. Out of nowhere, she withdraws a band-aid, placing it firmly over the small grooves you've dug into your thigh. You wince slightly at the pressure, but it quickly fades. 

JOHN: maybe?  
JOHN: i know it's not a maybe thing, but i don't know if what i do really qualifies.  
JOHN: i usually just stayed in my room and whenever i thought about going outside...  
JOHN: i would just say 'no, there's nothing out there for you,' and stay inside.  
JOHN: it rarely got so bad where i would..  


You look down at your now-bandaged thigh.

ROSE: Rarely is still a yes, John.  


Rose pauses. She must have noticed the cringe on your face when she said your name that time. She places a hand on yours, and smiles in a way that no mortal on earth C has seen. To them, Rose Lalonde is a smug and capricious god. Like Vriska, only less likely to beat you up at a Denny's at 3 AM. Less likely, but still a non-zero chance.

ROSE: So. Are you.. thinking about a new name?  


You huff, and cross your arms, leaning back into the couch. Have you been thinking about a new name? At all? Not really. But it'd probably make you a fake trans if you said you don't have a new name, and that John is probably what you'll go by for the time being, no matter how much you hate it. 

JOHN: uh...   
JUNE: june?  


Wait. That actually sounds really nice. June. Juuuuune. June! You sound it out a couple of times in your head, and end up smiling. June. 

JUNE: june!  
ROSE: Not exactly different.   
JUNE: don't ruin this for me, lalonde.  
JUNE: juuuuune.  
ROSE: I've been told it sounds different saying it out loud.  
JUNE: it does. but.. a good different.  


You pause. Does it make you a fake trans to think a name you just came up with is good? Or does it make you a super-duper good trans to think that? Ugh. You hate that you have to think like this now. You need to get your mind off of this. Change the topic, change the topic. 

JUNE: sorry i dipped out mid-party.   
ROSE: If I had known you had felt like this, I wouldn't have pressured you to stay.   
JUNE: yeah, but i did want to stay!   
JUNE: i wanted to have a nice time with everyone for once.  
JUNE: i feel like such an asshole.   
ROSE: Juniper.   
ROSE: Juniper B. Egbert, final heir to the Egbert Family Fortune.   
ROSE: Said fortune being a lifetime supply of Barbasol.   
ROSE: Your friends love you.  
ROSE: We wouldn't want you to stay any longer than you are comfortable.  
ROSE: I just wish you had been more forthcoming with your inner demons.   
JUNE: you're right. im sorry.   
JUNE: i was just worried that people would thing i was just piggybacking off of roxy?   
JUNE: which, now that i think about it, is pretty far-fetched, huh?  
JUNE: i have to admit, i feel pretty good now that i've told you and dave.   
ROSE: Tell me more about that?   
JUNE: well, it just feels like a massive weight on my chest has suddenly been yanked off, and i'm still getting used to being able to breathe.   
JUNE: i keep taking short breaths expecting the weights to press down again, but..   
ROSE: You end up overfilling your lungs with long, shaky breaths?   
ROSE: Every breath becoming euphoria, and the only reason you aren't walking on air is because of your own inhibitions?  
JUNE: i was gonna say "but the weight isnt there anymore," but... kinda?   
ROSE: John, that's pretty much the feeling I had when I admitted I was a lesbian to all of you.   
JUNE:   
JUNE: huh...  
JUNE: that's good to know.   
JUNE: at least i know im not faking it.  


You and Rose exchange a look, and her smile has returned. Even though you feel bad for scaring her, you smile in return. Rose is so nice. You feel lucky that she's nice to you. If you were one of her nameless clients, off in some office somewhere, this engagement would hardly feel the same. But it's some platonic ideal of leaning against Rose, your face red for some god-known reason, her hand on yours, and you exchanging a smile. Rose is probably the most competent of any of your friends, and you're glad to have her. 

KANAYA: Rose Would You Like To Go Out For D--  
KANAYA: Oh   
KANAYA: Hello John  


Rose gives you a look, her smile subdued but still present, as if silently urging you. If anyone would understand the plights of the trans gendered in this house, it would be her. You remember Dave's comment on Kanaya's gender.  None Gender With Left Girl. Is that some kind of nonbinary? God, you're an awful trans, you need to read up on the hip and happening lingo. 

JUNE: um.   
JUNE: could you- no, uh..   
JUNE: june, please.   
KANAYA: Of Course   
KANAYA: It Suits You I Must Say   
JUNE: uh.. thanks?  
KANAYA: Now Then   
KANAYA: Rose Will June Be Joining Us For Dinner   
KANAYA: I Have No Objections To The Matter I Just Want To Know   
KANAYA: So I Can Narrow Down Our Options   
KANAYA: As I Doubt She Likes Esoteric Troll-Ish Cuisine   


Rose looks to you, with a look that says "You are free to join, if you wish. But I won't stop flirting with my wife in front of you."

JUNE: i'm good.   
JUNE: thanks for the offer, though.   
JUNE: i should get going, anyway.   
JUNE: the reason I started this appointment in the first place is..   
JUNE: i want to come out to everyone.   
ROSE: So quickly? Are you positive?  
JUNE: i've started to get a gross gut-reaction to being called a guy.   
JUNE: so its either deal with the eventual ulcer it'll give me, or come out.   
ROSE: I'm impressed. Most people would delay that as long as possible.   
ROSE: but where am I involved?   
JUNE: I want you to be there.   
JUNE: you're sorta the only stable person i know that's still alive, so.   
ROSE: I'm not, but continue.   
JUNE: i just kinda want you to be my rock for that.   
ROSE: Oh, June...   


She places a hand on your thigh, and smiles, leaning in and embracing you warmly. 

ROSE: I would love nothing more.   



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of a timeskip here. I was just so itchy to give it to the lesbians.

It's hard to think about how long it's been since then. A few months? Maybe half a year since you came out to Rose, and shortly after, everyone else. It was messy, and you couldn't get through the elaborate speech Rose helped you plan without bursting into tears. You rarely cried, and you crying before you were even able to say "i'm trans" caused everyone a great deal of alarm. But, slowly and surely, you came out to everyone in a grand moment of love and acceptance, and that was that. John wasn't a person anymore. It was June now. It's weird to think how the name stuck, when you had thought about it for about 2 seconds. 

You hold the half-empty bottle of tiny blue pills in your hand. It's weird to think they're still blue, even in this universe. You dump three out into your palm, followed by two off-white circles, and knock them back, giving them a quick chaser of Tab. You fucking hate Tab, but it's all Rose has in the fridge that isn't wine or orange juice. Not that you dislike either of those things, but it's not the time for getting day-drunk, and it's too late for Orange Juice.

Oh, and by the way, you're staying at Rose's house again.

There's nothing implied there, you're just staying at her house for a few days. Not for any real reason, just that Rose had offered, and you were getting tired of the look of your room's ceiling. You all slept in the living room, in a weirdly juvenile sleepover setting. It was lots of fun, and you talked about girls for, like, 3 hours. Rose and Kanaya kept giving each other knowing looks- not that you knew what that meant- every time you mentioned how badly you wanted a girlfriend. You had never 'wanted' a girlfriend before you transitioned, but when you realized your desires were of a 'sapphic' (thanks rose) nature, your urge to get a girlfriend increased tenfold. Of course, there's likely some larger reason other than 'you're a lesbian now,' but it's all you can wrap your head around. You're smart, but not 'introspect without bias' smart. 

You look out the window. It's a different view than your own. Of course it is, dumb thought, but it feels nice. It doesn't have the tiny slivers of sunlight passing through shutters, it's wide open, and you can see the dust in the air as it glides through the air pass the sun-beams. You stare out the window for a while, at the house next to you. That's Dave's house, ironically enough. You always thought he would stay in an apartment forever. He lived in an apartment for a few years, but.. 

You try not to think about it. If you think about it you'll wanna get day-drunk.

ROSE: Am I interrupting something?  
ROSE: I'll leave you to your devices, if you like.  


It's right now that you realize you're laying your head on the counter, staring out the window. You shoot your head up, and turn to Rose, who laughs softly at the large red mark that has developed on your cheek. You rub it away. 

JUNE: no!   
JUNE: sorry, i was just.. thinking.   
ROSE: About?  
JUNE: about... things.   
JUNE: i like how your window looks.   
JUNE: er.. how the sun looks.   
JUNE: when it shines through this window.  
ROSE: I.. also like this window.  


Rose sits down on the barstool next to yours, and rests a hand on your own. She leans on her other hand and looks at you expectantly.

ROSE: What do you like about the window, June?  
JUNE: i like...   
JUNE: i like how when the sun pours through it, you can see the little dust particles int he air.  
JUNE: it's not like my house. its not tiny slivers of light illuminating the tiniest clusters of dust, it..  
ROSE: It..?  
JUNE: it's all open.  
JUNE: i can't imagine any light being as pretty as it.   
ROSE: I can.  
JUNE: huh?  
ROSE: Nothing! Nothing. Continue. Please.   
JUNE: uh.. okay.   
JUNE: the light, it..   
JUNE: its so open.   
JUNE: i used to hate looking out the window, y'know.  
ROSE: Did you?  
JUNE: i would always look outside and see the same thing.  
JUNE: but i'm not sure if that was really my problem with it.  
JUNE: i felt like such an old creep peering through my shutters.  
JUNE: i'm immortal, and i felt old.  
ROSE: What's different about this one?   
JUNE: i.. i dont know.  
JUNE: i see my friend's house through it.   
JUNE: it's not far away from everyone else, its just outside of the town square..  
JUNE: and it doesnt have those awful shutters.   
JUNE: i almost dont want to leave.   
ROSE:   
ROSE: You don't have to.  


You quirk a brow at that. What does she mean, you dont have to? At some point you do, no matter how badly you want to stay here and hang out with Rose and Kanaya forever. They're so nice, and you want to, you don't know, lay on one of their laps while they brush your hair and you watch movies? Kanaya did that for you once. You laid your head on her lap while you were watching an awful troll kingdom film, you don't know why, you were probably pretty tired, and her fingers laced into your hair so perfectly. The feeling of her manicured nails tracing along your scalp, sending shivers down your spine, it felt.. good. Kanaya gently hummed a tune while the movie was turned down in the background, and suddenly, it was quiet. The movie was muted, and Kanaya was humming something soft, and Rose was leaning on her shoulder, looking down at you.

Your brain hurts trying to think about that night. Why do they keep inviting you here? Why-

KANAYA: Hello Dear   


Kanaya plants a kiss on your cheek, leaving a faint green mark where her lips laid. You don't know why, but this sets you off. 

JUNE: okay!!!!!!!!   
JUNE: what the hell is going on????????  


Rose and Kanaya share a look of shock. Rose breaks the ice. 

ROSE: What do you mean?   
JUNE: the.. the kissing! and the pet names! and you saying i dont have to leave?  
JUNE: and the hair thing!!   
KANAYA: The Hair Thing   
JUNE: yes! the hair thing!   
JUNE: where we were watching some dumb troll movie and i laid on your lap and your fingers with the hair, and--   
JUNE: i'm freaking out! i dont know what any of this means!   
KANAYA:   
ROSE:   
ROSE: You can't be this dense of a lesbian already.   
KANAYA: Rose Thats Rude  
ROSE: I'm serious!   
ROSE: June, sit down.  


You didn't even realize you were standing. You, slowly, sit back down, and let out a sigh. The air around you gently lifts your hair upward, and settles it back down.

ROSE: I'm sorry if we weren't upfront with you.  
KANAYA: We Have Been Told We Are Too Subtle   
ROSE: Truthfully, we have been acting this way, because..   
KANAYA: We Like You   
JUNE:????????  
KANAYA: We Like The Woman You Have Become   
KANAYA: We Thought We Might "Test The Waters" So To Speak   
ROSE: We're sorry if we alarmed you.  
ROSE: I suppose we were just afraid of what you might say if we came on too strong.  


You stop thinking for a second. In retrospect, this all makes sense.

JUNE: god...  
JUNE: GOD...  
JUNE: am i really that bad at picking up subtext????????  


You furrow your brow, and lean into your hands. You take a deep breath, and blow it all out through the gaps in your fingers, sending a flurry of wind towards the counter, upturning a few papers and knocking a glass or two over left-over from last night. You need a second. You trail a finger along the green mark on your cheek, and take a second. You really like Rose. You like Kanaya too, but.. to be entirely frank, you're still trying to pry yourself away from your Dad's old, 50s-style nuclear family way of living, and jumping into Trans-Lesbian Polyamory is a hell of a leap. But, that being said, Kanaya probably relates to you, with her complex relationship to womanhood, and Rose somehow finds a way of making you feel like both an idiot and a genius at the same time in a way thats so fucking charming, and..

Your brain is kinda falling apart here. 

JUNE: can.. can I get a minute?   
JUNE: this is a lot. im not saying no.   
JUNE: its just a lot.   
KANAYA: Of Course   
KANAYA: Rose, My Room?   
ROSE: Gladly.   


They leave the kitchen, leaving you staring out that window, out at Dave's house. He's home, ironically enough. He's never home at 2 PM on a Sunday. That's usually his date day with Karkat. He-

He saw you. Shit. Shit. He's waving, too. He seems.. happy to see you? You take a few steps towards the window, and lift it up, leaning out to return Dave's greeting. 

DAVE: howdy neighbor   


If it seems like Dave is casually talking here, it's because he is. Considering most of the people in this housing development are gods, fire hazards aren't really a problem, so some houses are a bit closer than others. But for narrative's sake, he's speaking above his normal tone here.

JUNE: neighbor?  
DAVE: man youve been spending the night here every couple days for the past few months   
DAVE: i figured you were just keeping it on the dl   
JUNE: yeah, i.. they kinda sprung that on me today.   
JUNE: i kinda freaked out. they gave me a minute to process.   
JUNE: i feel kinda shitty.   
DAVE: why the fuck would you  
DAVE: everything rose does seems extremely platonic when its directed at anyone but kanaya   
DAVE: i bet you could be face-first on kanayas lap while she sings fucking kumbaya at you and you wouldnt be able to tell if it was romantic or not   
JUNE: haha, yeah..   
DAVE: hey i could tell karkat to fish out another burger from the fridge if you want one  


You look at Dave's apron that says "Rap the Cook." On top of the nonsensical term, there's also a drawing of Jeromy holding a 'burber.' It almost makes you laugh, but not quite. He's currently nursing some burgers on the grill. They look pretty beefy, like something obnoxious you'd order at a steakhouse than make at home. 

JUNE: maybe another time?  
JUNE: man, your apron sucks ass.  
DAVE: fuck you its great   
DAVE: hey not to call back to your eggy egbert days but  
DAVE: remember the party   
JUNE:   
JUNE: yyyeah?  
DAVE: what made you tell me  
DAVE: why then of all times  
DAVE: sorry that came out of nowhere huh  
JUNE: no no, i get it! i never actually told you why.   
JUNE: i guess the same reason you came out to me?  
JUNE: it just felt right-  
JUNE: yknow, this is hardly a conversation we should be having through a window.  
DAVE: well point is   
DAVE: do what feels right here   
DAVE: and if it turns out well tell rose and kanaya youre invited to have some burgers with us  
JUNE: jeez, thanks da-  
KARKAT: DAVE, THE CROCODILE SCOUTS ARE ASKING US TO BUY MORE COOKIES, WHERE'S THE ICE-PICK?  
KARKAT: OH.   
KARKAT: TAKING A BREAK FROM YOUR TRI-WEEKLY LALONDE-MARYAM SNOG SESSIONS TO TALK TO THE COMMON FOLK?  
JUNE: sorry karkat, out of time to chat!  


You lean back and shut the window, snickering. Karkat will be furious. That's the closest you got to any sort of practical joke in a long time. You turn, and sigh. You look down the hall. Do what feels right. Do.. what feels right. You take a breath, and head down the hall, giving a knock on Rose's door. After a moment, it opened. 

ROSE: You know, it's not final, you don't have to choose now-  
JUNE: i want to.  
ROSE: Oh! Well, that's-  
JUNE: but im not sure if im ready to be a polyamorous trans-lesbian. that's a lot.  
KANAYA: . . . .   
JUNE: but!  
JUNE: i like how being with you guys makes me feel.   
JUNE: i know it's greedy to even ask, but.. could we keep doing this, and just not label it?  
JUNE: im just that one girl who shows up and gets kissed a bunch and sleeps over sometimes.  


Rose and Kanaya are quiet. That is probably the most open about your emotions they have ever seen you. It's impressive, even for them. Rose is silent, and lets Kanaya take the lead for once. 

KANAYA: June  
KANAYA: We Want To Accomodate You  
JUNE: but....?  
KANAYA: No Buts Here Except Yours  
KANAYA: Which We May Have Been Staring At A Lot While You Weren't Looking  
KANAYA: We Care About You Deeply  
KANAYA: Truthfully Kissing Is One Of The Biggest Parts We Would Miss If We Did Not Get You On Board   
KANAYA: I Think I Speak For Rose When I Say We Would Love Nothing More Than To Have You Be . . .   
KANAYA: That One Girl Who Shows Up And Gets Kissed A Bunch And Sleeps Over Sometimes   
ROSE: That sounds like a Fall Out Boy title.   
ROSE: I do have one question, though. If I may.  
JOHN: go for it?  
ROSE: May I kiss you? I've been itching to do it for ages.   


You gulp. Rose wants to kiss you. 

JUNE: i... yes?  


And Rose kisses you. The feeling of her lips on yours is something that you lean into immediately. Your hands wrap around hers, pulling her closer. Your hands then let go, and travel to her waist, settling on her hips. You have no idea what to do when someone kisses you. It's happened a million times in your lifetime and you've never once understood what to do. Do what feels right. Your eyes gently flutter shut, and you lean in. This is what you are now, you guess? That one girl that shows up and gets kissed a bunch and wow that is a bit of a mouthful. Rose pulls away, a satisfied look on her face. 

ROSE: Sigh.   
JUNE: i..   
JUNE: do i kiss good????????  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think im done with this now. this seems a good place to stop it. a weird semiromantic poly-lesbian triad. i hope you liked my fic, but its off to finer pastures. follow me on @BozuBunny on twitter!


End file.
